Last night, during a couch surfing marathon, I stumbled upon a Kathie Lee Gifford documentary. I could only stomach it for 5 minutes, unable to tolerate her raving about her “perfect family” and how her childhood was “like a long, sweet dream.”
Seriously? With all due respect to Kathie Lee, she is either delusional or in some serious denial. “Perfect” husbands don’t have affairs with stewardesses while “perfect” wives pretend it doesn’t matter.
Perfect families simply do not exist…
My own family is a good example. Picture 25 Dr. Phil episodes rolled into one and you’ll get a general idea. Pretty much every societal problem has been experienced by someone I’m related to—divorce, alcoholism, untimely deaths, child abandonment, abuse, mental illness, questions of paternity, heroin addiction, foreclosure (and that’s just a beginning).
There’s a high likelihood that you too are part of a dysfunctional clan that bears more resemblance to The Osbournes over Ozzie and Harriet.
Families are complicated. They deal with many tough issues, some of which are scary, uncomfortable, and even downright awful. Nobody is better off pretending that each day is a bowl of cherries. I have far more respect for Mariel Hemingway, who is confronting her family’s troubled legacy head-on in Running from Crazy. Yes, it’s much easier to be a Kathie Lee ostrich clone, with our faces in the sand. It’s not, however, healthier.
Being honest is healthy. Acknowledging our problems and attempting to work through them is healthy. Seeking therapy, whether it’s secular or clergy-based, is healthy. (It’s so true when they say you’re only as sick as your secrets.)
We need to get over the fairytale image of what we want families to be and accept how they are. Preconceived notions of “perfect” children have left a beautiful baby boy stuck in Thailand without care. Is Gammy any less loveable because he has special needs? Not at all! Doesn’t he deserve a stable home with parents who cherish him? Of course!
Our family doesn’t love Charlie any less, even though he’s very sick and the cost of his medical care is astronomical. Many people simply abandon their pets when they’re no longer “perfect.” Charlie’s illness has only made Jackie love him stronger. She is the most dedicated advocate and caregiver I’ve ever seen.
Those who seek “perfect” families will inevitably end up disappointed. For most of my life, I struggled with other people not living up to my expectations. It was only when I let go of perfection and accepted “good enough” that I was able to find contentment.
Families don’t have to be perfect; they just have to be real. And that is a beautiful thing…
