Have you ever walked down the street and seen someone dressed so outrageously it was hard to believe? What if that person was—gasp!—you? If you’re looking to build The Ideal Wardrobe, all 30 of these top fashion disasters should be banished from your closet!
1. Rags that masquerade as clothes. This includes anything with holes and stains, especially if it’s held together with safety pins or staples! You deserve something nicer than what the Homeless reject. (Yes, Mary-Kate, we still recognize you!)
2. Ridiculously over or under size clothes. It must button or zip comfortably for the body you have today, not the one you had in high school. Conversely, that scrap of fabric you call a tube top just ain’t cutting it.
3. Mom Jeans. Bad, scary, high-waisted light colored denim, often worn with a braided belt and a sweatshirt. Giving birth shouldn’t be an impediment to looking good. Moms can still rock out in cool, fun clothes!
4. Scuffed Shoes. If you’re wearing something that can double as a doggie chew toy, it’s time to hit the mall. Seriously, there is no need for ragged heels and toes. There are affordable shoes for every budget.
5. “Costume” Clothes. Do you remember the kids that dressed Goth, Punk, Emo, and Skater? Are you still doing this (Bad Girl!)?? I get that you’re an individual, but are you also a cartoon? This is one fashion crime that attacks boys and girls equally. Don’t believe me? Check out this truly hideous transformation of the normally-hunky Sean Penn!
6. Saggy Seat & Dropped Crotch. Are you wearing pants so large another person could fit inside them? Grab a pair that fits.
7. Capes & Ponchos. These are beloved by ladies trying to hide a few extra pounds. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. Don’t hide under a shapeless mess.
8. Tents Dresses, aka Muumuu. In the same sad-sack family as capes & ponchos. No matter how large a lady is, she still has a shape! Tons of loose fabric hides that. I’m not saying clothes should be skintight—far from it—but they must drape properly.
9. Stirrup Pants. If you didn’t live through the ’80’s and early ’90’s, you may be unfamiliar with these. Consider it a blessing and run far, far away should you encounter this relic!
10. Holiday Sweaters. A bad look on anyone that doesn’t ride in a stroller. There are other ways to be festive beyond sporting a giant Rudolph or Jack ‘O Lantern.
11. Pleated Khaki. To avoid the “Park Ranger” look, I’d skip anything that’s both pleated and khaki on your bottom half. Not only does it add pounds, it’s not even a pretty color. Yuck.
12. Scary cleavage. This can also include visible nipples, “Double-Bubble” (when skin is visible above a too-tight bra), going completely braless and any other disaster that involves breasts. Ladies, buy a bra that fits and wear it, please.
13. Sneakers Everywhere. I love to be comfortable, but sneakers aren’t meant to be worn daily. Technically, they’re athletic shoes. Better to wear a stylish loafer, ballet flat, or sandal.
14. Human Barbie. Often seen wearing head-to-toe pastel pink, minis, halters, and platform flip flops. Favorite locales include Las Vegas, South Florida, and Palm Springs. May also be sporting platinum hair extensions, acrylic square-tip French manicures, and frosted makeup. Sad, very sad…
15. Midsection Madness. This includes bare mid rifts, muffin top and/or midsection cling. Very unflattering, since most of us carry extra weight in this area. Look for tops that flow and are long enough to cover.
16. Hose Under Open-Toe Shoes. I like hosiery, but it has to be paired with the correct shoe. If you choose to wear it, make sure you’re sporting a closed-toe shoe. Want to wear a strappy sandal and hose? Check out toeless. Yes, there truly is such a thing. Both Hanes and Donna Karan make nice ones. I’m also filing socks with sandals or clogs under this category.
17. Pajamas in Public. I’m not sure when this became appropriate, but I see it everywhere. (Ok, I see it every time I enter a Wal-Mart.) PJ’s are meant to be worn at home, in private. It’s really not that hard to get dressed in the morning.
18. Denim on Denim. Also called the “Texas Tuxedo,” but I call wearing head-to-toe denim a disaster! Jeans are cool, as are jean jackets, but not worn simultaneously. If Britney and Justin couldn’t pull this look off, don’t even attempt it.
19. Problem Panties. Isn’t it amazing how much embarrassment can result from such a small bit of fabric? Whale tails, camel toes, visible lines—you name it. They’re all bad and they can all be prevented. Look for no-show panties. I love the new seamless Cheekster from Victoria’s Secret.
20. Track/Sweatsuits. Like sneakers, these used to be reserved for the gym. Suddenly, major celebs were photographed in them and everyone else jumped in. Yes, it was a trend, but like all trends, this is now o-v-e-r.
21. Bad Used Clothes. I love to save money and I have nothing against wearing/buying used clothes, however, you do sometimes get what you pay for. Clothes bought by the pound at Goodwill aren’t necessarily stylish; they’re just cheap. Same goes for Vintage. Old Chanel is good, old Jordache is crap. Know the difference.
22. Time Warp. I had the pleasure of watching Nine to Five on TV the other day. While I loved the antics of Dolly, Jane, and Lily, the horrible ’80’s outfits made me die laughing! Shoulder pads, “Power” suits, ruffle necks, bow-tie scarves, huge eye glasses? You may still own these, but please don’t wear any!
23. Huge Accessories. Handbags that double as suitcases? 6-inch stripper heels? Necklaces that resemble armor? Big isn’t always better. Remember to keep proportions in check.
24. “Boca Sandals.” Low heeled, square white sandals that are proudly worn by Golden Girls in Boca Raton, Florida. I first heard this term on What not to Wear and it’s so true. My Grandmother and her friends loved ’em! (Mind you, she was a Delray Beach babe, but that’s close enough to Boca…)
25. Scary Synthetics. In another nod to What not to Wear, I once watched an episode where they displayed a synthetic fabric miniskirt with a care label that advised “Wipe clean, don’t wash.” (Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up!) If it can’t be washed, you shouldn’t be wearing it.
26. Crazy Colors. Neon is great for a billboard, not a body. Same goes for depressing shades of beige, pukey green, and jaundice yellow. Not to sound like a broken record here, but there’s a reason I love Color Me Beautiful so much.
27. Prairie Fever. Modesty is a wonderful thing, except when it’s taken to an extreme. Huge, often homemade dresses are never going to be in fashion. Remember Michelle Duggar and the gaggle of geese, circa 2000? No, she’s hoping you don’t either.
28. Too-long hems. Pants that skim the ground and sleeves that fall into dinner plates will never look chic. Buy petite length or find a good tailor, otherwise you’ll continue to look like a little girl playing dress up.
29. Animal Attack. Can animal prints ever be fashionable? Sure, when done in moderation. That means limited to an accessory, not half your body and definitely not an animal’s old skin for a coat.
30. Lewd & Lascivious. Dressing like a hooker is not a smart move. By using good sense, we should be able to determine what’s appropriate and what’s way too sexy. If you’re still stumped, ask yourself one question: Would Snooki wear this? If the answer if “Yes,” then you need to say “No!”
What’s your idea of a “Fashion Victim?”