Have you ever had an experience so humiliating it’s hard to even process, let alone discuss it? That’s what happened to me when I agreed to take a fitness hike with a group of ladies I barely knew.
Here’s the thing: I don’t like hiking. I don’t like heat/humidity. I don’t like bugs. I don’t really even like the outdoors. I also have mild asthma which is aggravated by all of the above. So why then did I agree to participate in something against my better judgment? Peer pressure!
The lady who invited me is a friend of a friend. She is thin, beautiful, fit…and exceptionally bossy! When I mentioned my hesitation about the hike, she simply wouldn’t take no for answer:
- “Our kids play together.”
- “It’s not that steep of a climb.”
- “Everyone else is going.”
- “C’mon, don’t ruin it for us.”
And so on…all of which made me feel uncomfortable and I gave in. The plan was to hike a rustic trail an hour north. Of course, everyone wanted to drive together (another huge mistake I agreed to). 10 minutes into the drive, I could tell that I had nothing in common with this group. They weren’t mean, but they were cliquey and kept recounting other adventures they’d taken, including one where they’d gone to NYC for the weekend, bar hopping and prowling for men. (Yes, they’re all married and no, I don’t approve, but I stayed silent.)
We had left late and arrived mid-afternoon—the hottest time of day and about 85 degrees. I literally could feel a knot in my stomach before the car door even opened, yet I felt like I had to do it. The terrain started out fairly-flat, went down sharply, and plateaued. The going-down part was ok, I didn’t feel great, but it wasn’t unbearable either. The going-up part, however, was hellish!
I don’t mean to be overly dramatic, but I have new appreciation for the victims of Death Marches. Each step was like torture: harsh sun beating down, swarms of mosquitos, gasping for air, and a very, very full bladder because I had been so thirsty. At one point, I asked the group to stop so I could rest.
The looks I received where some of the nastiest I’ve ever had in my life! Not only did they refuse, they heckled me, saying I was a “spoil sport” and that I needed to “push through the pain.” By the sheer grace of God, I made it back to the car, shaking, dizzy and queasy. I laid in the backseat, fanning myself and pressing a cool rag against my sun-burned forehead, by myself, while the other ladies were eating Power Bars and sipping Gatorade. The sight of all those snacks finally pushed me over the edge and I threw up. (Not to be graphic or gross, but I’d eaten hard boiled eggs and coffee for breakfast and it was bad!)
Seeing me in such a state would’ve provoked some compassion, you’d think, but no, they just finished eating, hopped in the car, and started driving home…while I cried—from shame, from frustration, from bewilderment. I truly have never witnessed such insensitivity, let alone been the target.
I know that type of behavior is wrong, period. But I also know that I allowed it to happen. Instead of confronting them and demanding the apology I was entitled to, I politely said good-bye, not wanting to make a scene—something I’ve done my entire life. Because I don’t want to cause trouble, because I want to be liked, because I grew up in a dysfunctional family where I had to keep everything and everyone calm.
This is not how I want to live. I am not a human doormat. My opinion does matter. I do want to stand up for myself. But it’s hard to break lifelong patterns. I was so torn between letting it go and speaking out. For 2 whole days, I mulled it over. At the advice of my sister, I called the lady who invited me and told her, honestly and in detail how hurt I had been. She listened and did apologize, not sincerely, just “Oh, sorry,” but it’s a start. And for me, that’s enough. I may always struggle in this area, but at least I’m trying!
How do you deal with peer pressure?
Ooh, this post made me angry. I read a lot of your blog posts and I keep coming back because I relate to and like the person you come across as in your writing. Compassionate. A person with a big heart, rational, thoughtful, and kind.
I have spent an entire lifetime being made fun of. No details. But believe me, I would not have relied upon or expected a response of kindness or would I have expressed my pain. People who enjoy being callous to you are expecting – and feed off of – the acknowledgement that they hurt you and made you uncomfortable.
They need to be called out for the bullies they are and told how disgusting their behavior was. We’re being silenced, day by day, by people who have no moral compass and no concern for their fellow man, by exactly this kind of behavior. They have strength in numbers (which bullies enjoy) and from your story, clearly took delight in demeaning you.
Your not saying no when you should have …in no way ….gave them permission to do this or excuses or mitigates their horrid behavior.
If I can answer “no” to the question, “Does my well being matter to this person?”, then they are unequivocally someone I should not be around.
Next time you feel like you should say no but don’t know how, ask here. I know you will get some good advice. Your display of bravery in writing this post tells me you have it in you to do so.
Oh …and an insincere apology is meaningless, in my world.
Telling someone who has demeaned you, how demeaned you felt, is a gift to them.
Wow, thanks for those powerful words! I’m slowly getting to a point of empowerment where you already are. I honestly wasn’t sure if they were intentional bullies or just so clueless/narcissistic. I think from her less-than-sincere response, you are right and they are bullies. I am so sorry this has also happened to you and many others, too. I don’t understand taking delight in being cruel, nor do you. Just not how we’re built! The support I get/give to readers is the best part of blogging! At least we can share our experiences, no matter how painful, so we don’t feel alone.
Narcissists are NEVER clueless. They have every angle figured out before you even consider there may be angles. IMO, these women knew what they were doing. They knew it was cruel. I think it’s just that they have gotten away with it so often they know they can again. Those types prey on a certain type of person, usually an empath, someone who has a strong sense of justice, of right and wrong. It’s part of the thrill for them.
This sort of behavior seems to have taken great strides forward toward being normalized; it’s my belief that the rise of social media has a lot to do with it. There is little accountability for bad behavior.
Being someone who (you are right) does not take any pleasure in EVER hurting anyone, or being intentionally cruel, it is difficult for us to understand how easy it comes to some. We tend to use our own filters of how we behave when gauging our expectations of others. It seems this, too, is no longer a dependable tool.
The best thing I can tell you is that you have value. You deserve respect and civility. That remains a fact whether people such as these like you or not. 🙂
Thank you for your kind response to me. I’m a work in progress too.
Oh, I agree that social media has made bullying into an epidemic! When I hear about people being attacked by troll mobs, it just breaks my heart. So very wrong and unnecessary. It really hurts to be attacked, but I’d rather be a compassionate and kind person (sure you are too!). Every person has value and deserves to be treated the right way. All we can do is keep spreading that message.
Great post!
Thanks so much for the positive feedback. I’m always hesitant to share stuff that’s embarrassing, but I try to be as honest as possible with my readers.