The past two days have been very grueling—not because of anything going on in my own life, surprisingly, but because a friend was just diagnosed with cancer. The news hit me hard, much harder than I expected it would and honestly, I feel devastated.

This friend is someone who lives on the West coast. Because we live across the country from each other, we mainly keep in contact through email and phone calls. Even though we don’t have in-person visits, our connection is strong and I have gotten so much support from her over the years. Unlike me, she is extremely positive and happy and I love talking to her because she always makes everything seem better.

I had called her to talk about nothing in particular and was complaining about my disappointing Sukkot. As always, she listened intently and commiserated. When I finally paused and asked how she was, imagine my horror when the reply was: “Pretty bad. I have breast cancer.”

Immediately, I started crying. I was worried for her, I was so sorry for her, and I was also ashamed of myself for complaining about my own trivial problems when she was dealing with an actual crisis.

As many of my readers know, I struggle with a sleep disorder, chronic pain, and chronic infections. These problems have severely effected my quality of life, but none are fatal (for which I am grateful!). My health problems do bring me down often and sometimes they seem insurmountable. But nothing I deal with can ever compare to cancer! I may feel rotten most of the time, but I am not dying.

My beloved friend, however, truly is in a life or death situation. That is scary for anyone, but much, much worse for a 38-year-old single mother of 3 young kids without any family support. She is now faced with chemotherapy, a mastectomy, and the possibility neither will keep her alive. Hearing her break down and sob, wondering who will raise her children if she dies, is heartbreaking.

I want so badly to help her—to drive her to the doctor, be there for her surgery, nurse her back to good health. I want to take all of her pain and fear and uncertainty away. I want to assure her that she will recover and live into her 90’s. But I can’t do that; nobody can.

Breast cancer is treatable and many women go on to survive for decades. I am hoping beyond hope that will be the case for my friend, but we have no way of knowing what the future holds. All I can do is listen, and comfort, and pray, and be there for her anyway she asks. I wish I could do more.

Those of us who consider ourselves “fixers” understand this feeling. We love to take charge and find solutions. I certainly do! Yet in this particular instance there is no quick fix and that’s hard for me to accept. I wish I could make it go away.

Instead, I’m trying to focus on reality. I’m helping her research specialists, hospitals, and childcare options. I’m paying attention to her needs instead of my own. I’m doing the best I can, and still it seems like so little…

I HATE cancer!

If you’ve ever dealt with a similar situation, please give me some tips on how to support a cancer patient. I feel so incompetent!