For the past three hours, I’ve been texting with an online friend from Facebook. We’re both part of a Jewish Moms group and have been acquainted for about 2.5 years. Although I don’t know her well, we’ve kept in touch through the group and she always seemed nice, positive and very upbeat.
To my immense surprise, she quit the group, out-of-the-blue, and stopped talking to everyone (she was a daily poster, always.) After a few days, I was worried and messaged her. Her reply: “I quit because I’m not Jewish.” That made no sense to me since she’s constantly talking about Hebrew school, Shabbos recipes, High Holidays tickets—all manner of things connected to Jewish life.
Her bombshell: The test results from an Ancestry DNA kit revealed that she has no Jewish heritage. And I mean none, zero percent!
Because her father left the family when she was little and her mother has dementia, there is no way to unravel the mystery. She is not only shocked and confused, but in a terrible moral dilemma with regard to her own 3 kids.
“Should I tell them or should I not?” she asked me. Of course, I don’t have an easy answer. I feel so badly for her, for the lies she’s been told, for the pain she’s feeling, not knowing, at 43-years-old, who she is and where she comes from. That would be devastating to anyone and I am heartbroken for her.
Because I’m not a rabbi, I can’t—and don’t—dispense religious advice. Certainly, she should have a private meeting with her rabbi and ask him for advice/help/direction. The problem is fear; she’s afraid of being “outed” and losing friends and status. This is so, so sad because she has done nothing wrong.
I tried to reassure her, that from my point of view, she always was (and always will be) Jewish. There is Jewish heritage, of course, but there is also a wonderful group of folks that are Jewish by choice. When someone has lived Judaism from birth, married another Jew, given birth to 3 Jewish children, and observed all the customs and traditions of Judaism, they are Jewish! Despite all that, she is doubting herself.
I’m sure some hardliners out there would insist that this lady go through a formal conversion process because she’s “not one of us.” I disagree with them. We need to be warm and welcoming and encourage anyone who wants to be part of the Jewish community a place at the table. There should never be a divide between Jews by heritage and Jews by choice. We are all one people, one nation, and we all serve the same God.
If she chooses to reveal her test results on a public post, I will support her. If she prefers to stay silent, I’ll keep her identity anonymous. It’s not my place to judge and it’s not my place to decide. My role is to offer unconditional friendship, which is what I’d want her to offer me, if our positions were reversed.
Speaking of which, I have thought about how it would feel to be in her place. I don’t have any doubts about my own parents, grandparents, or heritage, but if I received totally crazy news, from a test, it wouldn’t change who I’ve been for 37 years. I’m Jewish by heritage, yes, but I also choose to keep practicing.
I think the moral of this story is to stay far away from DNA test kits. Nothing good will come of opening Pandora’s Box. Unless someone needs to know their genetics for a medical purpose, we’re better off leaving some things alone.
To all my prayer warriors: If you feel inclined, please say a special prayer for this lady and her family. She’s in a terrible place right now, emotionally and spiritually. We need to lift her up with love.
Tell no one! They absolutely will use it against you. When it came out that my husband had an affair, people at temple blamed me. Keep it private.
That is awful. I am so sorry you were mistreated. Blaming the wife for adultery is absurd. You were the victim.
You could also let her know that those DNA test kits are notoriously unreliable and it could be completely mistaken. It’s entirely possible that she’s as Jewish by blood as her rabbi and the test just screwed up. But either way, I am so glad she has a friend like you to talk to during such an unsettling and painful time.
I also thought it could be a mistake and suggested doing a 2nd test. For some reason, she truly believes it and feels like her entire life is over. (Hard to say more without being too specific.) No matter what the test says, she is still the same person to me and I hope once the shock wears off, she will see it herself. These tests are just garbage! Too much room for error and the results are sold to companies.
Those tests are garbage and dangerous. The tests can show siblings with different levels of the same ancestry. What happens when there’s a database full of Jews by ancestry? Didn’t we learn from ww2?
I’ve been reading articles that predict horrible things from the DNA data base being assembled. Not only does it invade privacy, it could easily be forged and abused. This is super scary science. There are wrong results, for sure. It’s potentially harmful to Jews, for discrimination, but other groups too. Look at the obese. It will deny them affordable medical care. Look at the huge scam around Theranos. Those lab tests were 100% fake and people’s lives were ruined by false positive cancer diagnosis.
Exactly. Too often when something is labeled “science”, people uncritically accept it… and again too often, that is a big mistake. From faulty fire science convicting people for arsons that weren’t arson at all to a mother convicted for killing a baby that actually had a fatal genetic disorder, so-called “science” has led to terrible outcomes. We need to be more cynical when it comes to science. It’s not that I am saying to discount it, far from it, but we need to consider the source, the methods, and the motives of those purveying it.
I believe in science and medicine, but nothing is perfect. Information is only as good as the person who interprets it. Certainly, people can be wrongfully convicted and that’s horrible! Junk science is real and it hurts society in many ways.
No, shes Jewish…she grew up practicing, married is Jewish man and is raising a Jewish family…shes Jewish. I dont care who was or was not before her, she is.
Honestly, what else could she be? She knows no other faith, has never practiced anything else. Of course, she’s Jewish, no matter what a test says.
She’s one of us. This is my worst fear. We’re not white but have Ashkenazi ancestry through my mother. We live Jewish, observe jewishly and love being a part of our Jewish community. Were so Jewish we’ve been the target of Christian pamphlets mailed to our house to encourage us to leave Judaism. DNA tests have shown many cohens aren’t from temple ancestry. Lots of Jews are descended from converts and no group is pure. She could be Jewish but more recent?
I hate the word “pure” when used in relation to race or religion. It’s dangerous and hurtful. I’m so sorry you have been targeted by evangelicals. That’s not ok! I’m glad your family is part of the Jewish community. Every race, not just white people, are welcome and equal.
She may be Jewish, who knows? Regardless, it’s about way more than blood. Her whole life and her identity shouldn’t be taken away for no reason.
Prayers for her. I hope she finds peace through her faith . Tests can be very wrong, I do hope she doesn’t feel lost because of a test. Many do not know ‘what’ they are and I think are curious, but you are right these same tests could easily be used against people.
I am Jewish- and Judaism is a religion. There may have been a conversion in her family, which would explain it all, and very easily. And while she may want to talk to a rabbi, if she was raised Jewish it’s obvious that her parents did so very deliberately, and she has lived a very Jewish life, from what you wrote, so to my way of thinking she should relax- and it might actually be interesting for her to explore her family tree and try to learn who converted- conversion is not an easy thing to do, so whomever did it was quite serious about it… which in my book gets her 10 extra “Jewish Points”! I also have my doubts about any DNA test that would say “no Jewish Heritage”- what the heck is “Jewish Heritage”- a new definition of DNA? LOL There are Jews of all colors & ethnic backgrounds, and contrary to the antisemites, we definitely don’t all look alike!
definitely there are Jews of color and different backgrounds. Ashkenazi and Sephardic look nothing alike but we’re all equally Jewish. The test shouldn’t define anyone’s identity, but I can understand why it was such a shock for her.
Maybe she was adopted but she was raised Jewish by her adoptive parents and even converted at a very young age. There must be some other relatives that can throw a light into this outcome. To me she is very Jewish. Send her my love and I hope she finds the truth of the mystery.
I know she appreciates all the positive comments from everyone. Nothing but love here!
Could it be that her ancestors were converts to Judaism? It would account for the discrepancy but in no way invalidate her Jewishness.
Absolutely, that’s a possibility! There’s also a concern that the tests are wrong. Whatever the case may be, this lady IS Jewish and should not feel “less than” because of a test. Judaism is a faith. Everyone is welcome.
Although I am not Jewish, I always thought Judaism is a religion not a place of birth. Further more people of Jewish heritage are from all over the world.If she was brought up Jewish and keeps up with tradition there is no discrepancy. I don’t think DNA.com can tell you what religion you are only the country your ancestors are from. Even then I have my doubts of accuracy.
Judaism is a religion, yes, but it’s also considered a Nation and a People. I agree that someone does not need Jewish heritage to be considered Jewish.
One reason I have enjoyed your blog/safe place is because of your open mind and willingness to look at a situation and respect the person even when you may not agree. Not saying that is the case here at all. I believe you are accurate in that she is Jewish by no mistake. But some people can be so cruel and hateful. There is so much of it in this world that we live in that it is reassuring to find a place, here, that is about love, steadfastness, being kind to fellow man. Thank you.
I really appreciate this comment! I truly want my blog to be a safe space where everyone feels comfortable to express their ideas. It’s fine to disagree, so long as we’re all respectful. I don’t want any insults or bad language. Every single day, there are troll comments. Luckily, the good outweigh the bad. I am not here to judge, just to share and be supportive. This is a blog of love!
I am of course very late to comment, but this is apparently very common. Some even suggest that only 40% of ashkenazi jews show up as such on the test. My results have also been completely miscalculated. I would love to hear if everything turned out alright and if she was able to gain guidance from her rabbi?