The Unaffiliated Jew – Part Two

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In Part One of this series on Unaffiliated Jewry, we discussed money. Part Two will cover exclusion. Why would a religion that’s dependent upon membership growth—or at least retention—exclude anyone? Well, that can be complicated. These are some of the most common reasons I’ve personally witnessed:

1.  Cliquishness

Many temples, especially in smaller, more rural areas don’t see new faces. Often, membership goes back for generations. This was certainly the case at my old temple. Everyone knew everyone else and whenever a newcomer arrived, they were viewed with suspicion by the “old timers.” Perfect example: an exceptionally nice couple relocated from California. The wife had worked at a Jewish pre-school for decades. When she wanted to assist my old temple’s Hebrew School, she was strongly discouraged. (Did I mention this lady was offering to help for free…) Rather than welcome her undeniable talents, some very jealous Yentas froze her out. I find this sickening.

2.  Fear of Change

Because things are done a certain way in most temples, change is typically met with brutal resistance. My old temple is Reform; there’s a neighboring congregation that’s Conservative. Unbelievably, the two had never done a shared event. I was very keen on bringing the two groups together. The other Board members told me it was impossible due to funding, scheduling, differences in observance, etc. I knew in my heart the desire was there; we only lacked organization. With full approval and wonderful assistance from my Rabbi and the President of the Conservative temple, we created a joint celebration on Christmas that featured a Chinese buffet. What could be better than bringing a big bunch together on a day when most of us are normally without plans… Moral of this story: Unite, don’t divide!

3.  Spite

It’s really hard for me to admit this, because it’s so hurtful, but sometimes people are excluded by the spiteful, mean-spirited behavior of those in charge. The first Board meeting I attended, we debated a request from a local Havurah. They wanted to borrow our Torah for a Bar Mitzvah in someone’s home. You would not believe the heated, often bitter conversation—accusations—that erupted! Other Board members stubbornly refused. When I pointed out that the Torah was fully insured and by being generous, we might encourage these folks into our fold, I was dismissed with laughter. Rather than making friends, I have no doubt that group was alienated forever!

4.  Not “Our Crowd”

There is an infamous book called Our Crowd that documented the lives of the New York Jewish community’s most affluent members. While not all temples have members that live so luxuriously, I have found that there seems to be a homogenous element at play. Most of the members are from the same backgrounds and profess the same ideals. It can be very difficult to break into these circles. Those who want to join may be refused (similar to problem #1, cliquishness). Those who do not fit it will simply leave. Such a tragedy!

5.  Non-Traditional Lifestyles

The temple model is based around the nuclear family: mother and father who are married to each other and have shared children. Mom is supposed to join the Sisterhood & Hadassah, Dad should be interested in the Brotherhood & B’nai B’rith, and the kids should be in Hebrew school from Pre-K through Confirmation and attend every Tot Shabbat.

Folks, this only happens rarely…

A surprising number of Jewish adults have never been married. More have been married and divorced multiple times. Often, their partners are Gentile, which further complicates matters. Add Step-parents and Step-children to the mix and it gets even tougher.

6.  Special Needs

What about Seniors? They may have attended a temple for decades, but as Empty Nesters they no longer feel the temple accommodate their needs. I have seen good programs like trips and lunches designed strictly for Seniors, but these tend to be in metro areas. The Jewish Senior who is widowed in a rural community may be terribly alone! We need to rally around them more than ever.

Don’t forget about sick or disabled individuals. Maybe you’re hearing impaired and Services aren’t loud enough. Maybe your eyesight has gone and you can’t drive anymore—especially on winter nights, in bad weather. What if you’re the parent of an autistic child that’s too “disruptive” to attend? How about those struggling with cancer and other diseases? It’s so easy for these folks to Unaffiliate by default.

And, let us not forget the gay Jewish community. An anonymous reader left a comment in Part One stating they had been abused and excluded. That is just terribly cruel. While I am fully aware that Homosexuality is incompatible with Scripture, these issues aren’t strictly black and white. We are losing many members on the fringes.

Until temples, Federations, and other Jewish organizations learn to be truly inclusive, we will continue to see a massive exodus towards Unaffiliated Jewry. I, for one, consider this a great loss.

Chicken & Peppers

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What happens when you combine chicken & peppers? A flavor explosion! Pepper fans, you will love this recipe. Pepper haters, I just may convert you. The amazing taste comes from marinating the chicken overnight. While that does add an extra step, it’s really worth it.

To make Chicken & Peppers, you will need to start one day in advance. Take 4-6 pieces of raw meat. (I prefer bone-in breasts, but legs are fine, too.) Wash and dry the chicken, then coat with this spice rub:

  • 2 TSP salt
  • 1 TSP pepper
  • 1 TSP cumin
  • 1 TSP paprika
  • 1 TSP oregano
  • 1 TSP fresh garlic, minced
  • 1 TSP brown sugar

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Generally, I do a dry rub, but oil or broth can be added for a wet rub. When the chicken is fully rubbed, place in a Ziploc overnight. Turn at least once.

When you’re ready to cook, gather the following ingredients:

*  4 cups sliced peppers  (I use at least two colors; feel free to add more.)

*  2 onions, thinly sliced

*  2 TSP oil

*  Juice of one lemon

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In an extra large baking dish, place the chicken in the center and surround it with the onion/peppers slices. Add in the garlic, lemon juice, and oil, making sure everything is well coated. Season with extra salt/pepper to taste.

Roast in a 400-degree oven for approximately an hour. Remove the chicken to a waiting plate or platter. Turn on the broiler and char the onion/peppers for about 5 mins. The broiling is optional, but I think it adds an extra kick to the veggies.

Chicken & Peppers can be served as is for a low-carb meal, or bulked up with some rice or pasta. When I have extra time, I love to make homemade mashed potatoes as a side dish.

What could be better than a healthy, flavorful, exceptionally easy to cook meal that’s made in one pan…

Books I Love – Not Without My Daughter

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Not Without My Daughter chronicles the life story of Betty Mahmoody, a Michigan housewife married to an Iranian doctor. Though they met in America, Betty’s husband, Moody, never fully adapted. Feeling discriminated against, particularly after the Iranian Revolution, he began to devise a sick, secret plan.

Under the guise of a two week family vacation, he coerced Betty and their daughter, Mahtob, to accompany him to Iran. Though Betty knew in her heart this was dangerous, she allowed him to talk her into it, against her better judgment (always the wrong decision!).

In Iran, Betty was confronted with her worst nightmare: a backward, fundamentalist Muslim nation, enveloped by near perpetual war and squalor. She is punished for not wearing religious clothing and can not go anywhere without her husband’s approval. Much of the “vacation” is spent in tears and panic.

When the day finally arrives to leave, Betty’s misery becomes a true hell on Earth. Moody steals their passports and locks her and her daughter in a room—the start of their kidnapping. His cruelty is exceptionally difficult to read, let alone imagine enduring!

Betty is desperate to leave Moody, his spiteful relatives, and, most of all, the oppression that is Iran. After much time, many vicious arguments, and harrowing abuse, Moody agrees to let her go, but only if she relinquishes their daughter to him and his family forever.

“Never,” she tells him, “Not without my daughter…” Betty cannot abandon her, not even to save herself. They will leave Iran, together, by any means possible. Desperate, she tries to seek help from the U.S. State Department, who are shamefully unwilling—unable?—to assist. Completely on her own, Betty reaches down deep, the way only a truly dedicated mother can, and risks everything to escape.

The rest of the book reads like a spy novel: bribes, night flight, running away without any guarantee of safety, endless walking, driving, and even riding donkeys over the mountains into Turkey, a 500 mile journey to freedom.

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Upon her return to America, Betty’s story became an immediate sensation, first as a book and again as a movie of the same title. The movie version is exceptionally well done, starring Sally Field and Alfred Molina. Watching the fight scenes where he punches her and screams, “You’re in my country now!” would give any woman nightmares!

Even with all the publicity and documentation, there are still critics who doubt this story is true. Numerous fools denounced Betty’s book, calling it everything from fantasy to a smear campaign against her ex-husband.

I personally believe Betty because her story is not unique. I don’t understand why anyone would doubt her sincerity. Many women and children have been brutalized by Iranian men, held against their will, and terrorized beyond comprehension. Some of these cases were documented in Betty’s follow-up book, For the Love of a Child.

On a side note, it’s not just Westerners that face the wrath of Iranian evil: The entire Persian-Jewish community was persecuted and abused to the point of no return; a culture that had flourished for thousands of years is no more. Almost every single member has been forced to relocate, mainly in Israel or Los Angeles.

Not Without My Daughter is more than just entertainment; I believe this cautionary tale should be required reading for all ladies. As Western women, we sometimes take our freedom for granted. It must never be forgotten how immensely blessed we are to live in safe, clean, egalitarian nations like America, Great Britain, and Israel.

I pray with all my heart that no one else will ever have to endure the horror that Betty and Mahtob lived through. By educating women about the dangers, it can be prevented…