The third installment of this series on The Unaffiliated Jew will cover Intermarriage.
In a perfect world, every Jewish Princess would find her Jewish Prince; in reality, that just doesn’t happen…not for most, anyway. The current statistic claims that over 70% of Jews have, or will, Intermarry—for those under 30, the odds are even higher!
Many—most?—members of the Jewish community, particularly seniors, are horrified by those numbers. It’s hard to accept that the Reform, Conservative, and Reconstructionist communities are literally dying out. (The Orthodox are an entirely different matter; they almost uniformly do not intermarry.)
Interfaith marriages between Christians and Jews seem to follow a strange pattern: the Jewish partner adopts Christian habits and abandons their own practices. Instead of Hebrew School and High Holidays, it slowly morphs into Easter egg hunts and Santa. Some even attend Church services with in-laws. In extreme cases, they will even allow their children to be baptized!
Take the talented singer, Idina Menzel, as a typical example. In the December 2014 edition of Redbook magazine, she offered this interesting quote: “My love for Christmas came when I started dating Taye [Diggs, her ex-husband]. One of my fondest memories is how we celebrated. We’d put on holiday music and decorate a tree. I wanted to be a good shiksa girlfriend. Everything was always white, crystal, and coordinated. I was making a Jewish girl’s Christmas tree!” (Could there be a bigger oxymoron than a “Jewish girl’s Christmas tree?” I seriously doubt it.) In addition to the interview, she was pitching her new Christmas album.
If this is what interfaith marriage is supposed to be, then yes, the Jewish community has an enormous problem on our hands. Not only has Ms. Menzel decided to become Christian, she has also neglected a prime opportunity to introduce her partner to Judaism. Think how easily the process could be reversed, with Taye Diggs learning to embrace Jewish holidays and customs.
Intermarriage isn’t a problem, it’s an opportunity…
I don’t believe for a second that we as a community can stem the tide of Intermarriage. Yes, encouraging people to marry within the Faith is great, but it’s not enough. What we should be doing is welcoming Interfaith couples and families with open arms. We need to offer relevant seminars and more group activities. We need to—dare I say it—-encourage conversion.
Yes, I’m well aware that conversion is not only discouraged, but looked down upon by many Jews. Because of that, we are contributing to our own demise. As a group, Jews are an aging population. Jews tend to marry later in life and have fewer children. Plus, we will never make up for the losses accumulated during the Holocaust (there are less Jews on earth now than there were in 1939—scary, I know). As a result, we’re suffering from a huge population deficit.
When Interfaith couples are given the respect they deserve and a sacred space to grow and be nurtured, they will want to be part of the Jewish community. Their children will be educated and encouraged. The Gentile spouse may feel so inspired that he/she wants to convert and join our ranks for all time.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a Jew by birth, or by choice! Everyone has unique abilities and gifts to contribute. Full Inclusion can only make us better and stronger as a community. I support conversion 100%. I am in favor of removing the mystery and streamlining the process. Perhaps my opinion is controversial, but radical measures are necessary to avoid a calamity.
Do you support open and active conversion in the Jewish Community?
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Religion is such a sticky topic to get into it seems so it is hard to know how anyone really feels unless your willing to “risk” talking about it. I don’t go to Church and have never really associated myself as any particular religion. I was brought up going to Methodist Churches when I was younger but to my knowledge have never been baptized. I think it is great you are so accepting and I think it would be nice to have that option if I so desired to join your faith.
Sandra, I know religion can be a tough topic, but I feel it’s really important to have an open forum. Sometimes people have to try different faiths to see what works best for them. I’ve always practiced Judaism, because that’s what works for me. I don’t think any religion should be a “closed club.” There is space for everyone!
I agree with you.Thanks for your reply.
Dear Jewish Lady, reading your post reminded me of a darling friend I had in college, forty plus years ago,mwith the remarkable name of Hadassah Contreras. Yes, she was a woman reared as an Orthodox Jew, who married a Mexican American man ( who was, as I recall, a doll). Her parents disowned her, sat Shiva for her, and refused all communication. I grew up Catholic — a pretty intolerant faith — and was floored by their reaction. It was heartbreaking. I think of her sometimes, after all these years, and only hope her parents did not deprive themselves of the joy of their grandchildren and the comfort of their daughter.
Jackie, YES, that really did happen in the past! Hard to believe parents would mourn the “death” of a living child, but the intolerance was so strong back then. I have so much compassion for couples whose lives are torn apart by religion. I will be saying a special prayer for your friend, Hadassah. She sounds like a remarkable lady!
Intermarriage is what you make of it. While I am Jewish, I had an interesting upbringing that found me in Catholic school from 7-12, I think it only cemented my desire for a Jewish identity. Later when I met my now husband, it was early on that I insisted to him that while it’s possible I may marry him, we would have a Jewish household and any children we had would be raised Jewish. It took him some time to adjust to the idea, but he eventually decided I was worth it.
That was more than 23 years ago. We do have a Jewish home. Our son is being raised Jewish. We attend services together. Our son was bar mitzvahed. As for his religion, we celebrate with him. My son has always been told that we share the celebration with Dad.
There are plenty that feel this isn’t acceptable, I’m sure but it’s what works for us.
I applaud you and your husband for finding a balance that works. I love to hear encouraging real life stories like yours. Thanks for sharing.
I’m the result of a marriage between a Jew and a Christian. I wasn’t raised with much of either faith, but have always been much more drawn to my Jewish side, and as an adult I’m doing what I can to learn about it.
Laura, a lot of people have a background like yours. It’s so awesome you’re open to learning more about Judaism!