In Part One of this series on Unaffiliated Jewry, we discussed money. Part Two will cover exclusion. Why would a religion that’s dependent upon membership growth—or at least retention—exclude anyone? Well, that can be complicated. These are some of the most common reasons I’ve personally witnessed:
1. Cliquishness
Many temples, especially in smaller, more rural areas don’t see new faces. Often, membership goes back for generations. This was certainly the case at my old temple. Everyone knew everyone else and whenever a newcomer arrived, they were viewed with suspicion by the “old timers.” Perfect example: an exceptionally nice couple relocated from California. The wife had worked at a Jewish pre-school for decades. When she wanted to assist my old temple’s Hebrew School, she was strongly discouraged. (Did I mention this lady was offering to help for free…) Rather than welcome her undeniable talents, some very jealous Yentas froze her out. I find this sickening.
2. Fear of Change
Because things are done a certain way in most temples, change is typically met with brutal resistance. My old temple is Reform; there’s a neighboring congregation that’s Conservative. Unbelievably, the two had never done a shared event. I was very keen on bringing the two groups together. The other Board members told me it was impossible due to funding, scheduling, differences in observance, etc. I knew in my heart the desire was there; we only lacked organization. With full approval and wonderful assistance from my Rabbi and the President of the Conservative temple, we created a joint celebration on Christmas that featured a Chinese buffet. What could be better than bringing a big bunch together on a day when most of us are normally without plans… Moral of this story: Unite, don’t divide!
3. Spite
It’s really hard for me to admit this, because it’s so hurtful, but sometimes people are excluded by the spiteful, mean-spirited behavior of those in charge. The first Board meeting I attended, we debated a request from a local Havurah. They wanted to borrow our Torah for a Bar Mitzvah in someone’s home. You would not believe the heated, often bitter conversation—accusations—that erupted! Other Board members stubbornly refused. When I pointed out that the Torah was fully insured and by being generous, we might encourage these folks into our fold, I was dismissed with laughter. Rather than making friends, I have no doubt that group was alienated forever!
4. Not “Our Crowd”
There is an infamous book called Our Crowd that documented the lives of the New York Jewish community’s most affluent members. While not all temples have members that live so luxuriously, I have found that there seems to be a homogenous element at play. Most of the members are from the same backgrounds and profess the same ideals. It can be very difficult to break into these circles. Those who want to join may be refused (similar to problem #1, cliquishness). Those who do not fit it will simply leave. Such a tragedy!
5. Non-Traditional Lifestyles
The temple model is based around the nuclear family: mother and father who are married to each other and have shared children. Mom is supposed to join the Sisterhood & Hadassah, Dad should be interested in the Brotherhood & B’nai B’rith, and the kids should be in Hebrew school from Pre-K through Confirmation and attend every Tot Shabbat.
Folks, this only happens rarely…
A surprising number of Jewish adults have never been married. More have been married and divorced multiple times. Often, their partners are Gentile, which further complicates matters. Add Step-parents and Step-children to the mix and it gets even tougher.
6. Special Needs
What about Seniors? They may have attended a temple for decades, but as Empty Nesters they no longer feel the temple accommodate their needs. I have seen good programs like trips and lunches designed strictly for Seniors, but these tend to be in metro areas. The Jewish Senior who is widowed in a rural community may be terribly alone! We need to rally around them more than ever.
Don’t forget about sick or disabled individuals. Maybe you’re hearing impaired and Services aren’t loud enough. Maybe your eyesight has gone and you can’t drive anymore—especially on winter nights, in bad weather. What if you’re the parent of an autistic child that’s too “disruptive” to attend? How about those struggling with cancer and other diseases? It’s so easy for these folks to Unaffiliate by default.
And, let us not forget the gay Jewish community. An anonymous reader left a comment in Part One stating they had been abused and excluded. That is just terribly cruel. While I am fully aware that Homosexuality is incompatible with Scripture, these issues aren’t strictly black and white. We are losing many members on the fringes.
Until temples, Federations, and other Jewish organizations learn to be truly inclusive, we will continue to see a massive exodus towards Unaffiliated Jewry. I, for one, consider this a great loss.
Ok, this was really interesting to read. My good friend converted from Catholicism in order to marry her Jewish husband and it blew my mind how she could suddenly change everything she believed in for her whole life for a guy.
This is why we did not join a temple.. we had our kids tutored and Bar Mitzvah.
This is very interesting, and I think it happens with other religions as well. It’s very sad that new members wouldn’t feel welcome in certain temples. 🙁
It’s not just temple. Churches are like this, too. Anytime you get a group of people together, this is the kind of stuff you’ll get. It’s just human nature.
This is pretty interesting, I never really knew anything about the Jewish Religion.
It is unfortunate that this occurs. Sadly, it occurs in most churches. This is one of the reasons I don’t go to church as often.
Interesting read! Didn’t know about these before…
Alas, I don’t think this is exclusive to Jewish temples. It would be so wonderful if Q2 did not live in fear of others.
Fear of change is so very real. It is so difficult.
Nice post. Changing your religion for love is understandable to me. somtimes you do it to please other doesnt mean you changed your faith.
It’s interesting to learn more about the jewish culture. Great post!
Religion is always an interesting topic. Great post!
This was an interesting read, and I feel many of these problems likely aren’t only applicable to the Jewish religion, but also other religions and the churches/temples/etc that people attend. A big one for me is accepting gay people- my brother is gay, and I feel in no way does it- or should it- affect my religion.
I agree completely!
I guess it’s really important for temples to be adoptable and relevant through the times. This would ensure that they would keep their membership involved.
I personally would change my religion for the person I loved, but it has to be someone very special!
I guess the temples are not too different from some churches, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Very interesting read – it’s interning to get an “inside peek”, thank you for sharing!
This was an interesting read. Thank you for sharing!
This is interesting. I guess every religion has it’s difficulty.
This is very interesting. I am not Jewish but when I was younger I actually use to go to synagogue every Saturday evening and Hebrew class every Saturday morning. Those were some of my best memories.
I’m Catholic but I wouldn’t change my religion for someone. I don’t think religion has anything to do with loving another human being. Although maybe it’s easier if you and your other half have the same ideologies. I don’t know, it’s not very important to me.
This was interesting to read. I have to admit I am not a religious person but will not act superior to one who serves their religion.
Very interesting post. I guess religion will always remain a big point of discussion
This is an interesting post. Any religion that excludes people needs to take a look at themselves. The people you are excluding are often the ones that need it the most.
I completely agree with April above me. It’s definitely not our place to judge anyone, no matter what.
Absolutely! The Jewish Lady is a judgment free zone for everyone.
This happens in several religions/affiliation unfortunately.
This is really interesting. I’ve learned a lot in this article. Thank you.
I honestly have no education in this topic, what so ever. This means I don’t have much to add to the conversation except, thanks for opening my eyes to your opinion on what happens at temples sometimes. I can see the point as to why people would be denied … but not every temple will be right for every person so I bet those denied, will find a new place to go maybe.
Your perspective is incredibly refreshing. All of your bullets are big conversations and should be discussed and explored further
Interesting topic indeed. It is so sad the there are places that will not except the newcomers to grow. I do agree it is because of fear of change and a great deal of the old timers are always going to be stuck in there old ways. Thanks for sharing.
I think this happens in every kind of group of humans. We can be quite the sorry lot to tell the truth.
This is really interesting. I think some of the insights can also apply in other religions/groups.
This is a very interesting read thanks for sharing.
I have always felt that being welcoming and loving should be a priority at our Temple. I truly enjoyed your refreshingly honest comments, and hope that more people will reach out in the future.
You are 100% right, we must be open and welcome to all. Thanks for the kind words!