In Part One of this series on Unaffiliated Jewry, we discussed money. Part Two will cover exclusion. Why would a religion that’s dependent upon membership growth—or at least retention—exclude anyone? Well, that can be complicated. These are some of the most common reasons I’ve personally witnessed:

1.  Cliquishness

Many temples, especially in smaller, more rural areas don’t see new faces. Often, membership goes back for generations. This was certainly the case at my old temple. Everyone knew everyone else and whenever a newcomer arrived, they were viewed with suspicion by the “old timers.” Perfect example: an exceptionally nice couple relocated from California. The wife had worked at a Jewish pre-school for decades. When she wanted to assist my old temple’s Hebrew School, she was strongly discouraged. (Did I mention this lady was offering to help for free…) Rather than welcome her undeniable talents, some very jealous Yentas froze her out. I find this sickening.

2.  Fear of Change

Because things are done a certain way in most temples, change is typically met with brutal resistance. My old temple is Reform; there’s a neighboring congregation that’s Conservative. Unbelievably, the two had never done a shared event. I was very keen on bringing the two groups together. The other Board members told me it was impossible due to funding, scheduling, differences in observance, etc. I knew in my heart the desire was there; we only lacked organization. With full approval and wonderful assistance from my Rabbi and the President of the Conservative temple, we created a joint celebration on Christmas that featured a Chinese buffet. What could be better than bringing a big bunch together on a day when most of us are normally without plans… Moral of this story: Unite, don’t divide!

3.  Spite

It’s really hard for me to admit this, because it’s so hurtful, but sometimes people are excluded by the spiteful, mean-spirited behavior of those in charge. The first Board meeting I attended, we debated a request from a local Havurah. They wanted to borrow our Torah for a Bar Mitzvah in someone’s home. You would not believe the heated, often bitter conversation—accusations—that erupted! Other Board members stubbornly refused. When I pointed out that the Torah was fully insured and by being generous, we might encourage these folks into our fold, I was dismissed with laughter. Rather than making friends, I have no doubt that group was alienated forever!

4.  Not “Our Crowd”

There is an infamous book called Our Crowd that documented the lives of the New York Jewish community’s most affluent members. While not all temples have members that live so luxuriously, I have found that there seems to be a homogenous element at play. Most of the members are from the same backgrounds and profess the same ideals. It can be very difficult to break into these circles. Those who want to join may be refused (similar to problem #1, cliquishness). Those who do not fit it will simply leave. Such a tragedy!

5.  Non-Traditional Lifestyles

The temple model is based around the nuclear family: mother and father who are married to each other and have shared children. Mom is supposed to join the Sisterhood & Hadassah, Dad should be interested in the Brotherhood & B’nai B’rith, and the kids should be in Hebrew school from Pre-K through Confirmation and attend every Tot Shabbat.

Folks, this only happens rarely…

A surprising number of Jewish adults have never been married. More have been married and divorced multiple times. Often, their partners are Gentile, which further complicates matters. Add Step-parents and Step-children to the mix and it gets even tougher.

6.  Special Needs

What about Seniors? They may have attended a temple for decades, but as Empty Nesters they no longer feel the temple accommodate their needs. I have seen good programs like trips and lunches designed strictly for Seniors, but these tend to be in metro areas. The Jewish Senior who is widowed in a rural community may be terribly alone! We need to rally around them more than ever.

Don’t forget about sick or disabled individuals. Maybe you’re hearing impaired and Services aren’t loud enough. Maybe your eyesight has gone and you can’t drive anymore—especially on winter nights, in bad weather. What if you’re the parent of an autistic child that’s too “disruptive” to attend? How about those struggling with cancer and other diseases? It’s so easy for these folks to Unaffiliate by default.

And, let us not forget the gay Jewish community. An anonymous reader left a comment in Part One stating they had been abused and excluded. That is just terribly cruel. While I am fully aware that Homosexuality is incompatible with Scripture, these issues aren’t strictly black and white. We are losing many members on the fringes.

Until temples, Federations, and other Jewish organizations learn to be truly inclusive, we will continue to see a massive exodus towards Unaffiliated Jewry. I, for one, consider this a great loss.

It is a well-known fact that most American Jews now consider themselves Unaffiliated. What exactly does “Unaffiliated” mean? Does it mean unobservant? Maybe. Does it mean a lack of interest? Possibly. But what it definitely means is that the overwhelming majority can’t find a community that speaks to—or for—them.

There are many issues that have caused this crisis. In the coming days, we’re going to discuss most of them.

While Jewish leaders willingly lament about the growing issue of the Unaffiliated, it always amazes me that nobody wants to discuss the dreaded “M” word—MONEY.

Yes, money keeps many Jews from affiliating. There’s a pervasive myth that all Jews are wealthy and have endless supplies of extra cash to give temples, federations, charities, etc. While it is true that most Jews are highly-educated and high-earners, not everyone in our community is flush.

I personally know many Jews who are flat-broke—due to divorce, unemployment, and illness. I know Jews who have houses in foreclosure. Years ago, I knew a Jewish family that lived in a car, after the father lost his business. I know Jews who use food pantries. I know Jews who don’t attend High Holidays, because they can’t afford the tickets. I know Jews whose kids were pulled from Hebrew School because they can’t pay the tuition.

How do I know this? Because I used to be a member of my Temple’s Board. I saw, with my own eyes, people who were dying to participate and turned away, simply because they couldn’t afford it. I saw an individual, who attended services weekly, be told that he couldn’t start a committee because he wasn’t a “member.” (Shocking, huh? Needless to say, I do not subscribe to that bizarre mindset and I’m no longer a member of that particular temple.)

That, my friends, is an outrage. You don’t have to pay to join this club, you were born into it (or converted). Your value in the Jewish Community shouldn’t be based on dues and donations. Someone who attends services weekly is much more of a member than someone who writes an annual check.

We can’t, in good conscience, turn anyone away—not when we have so few to begin with. Yes, temples need funding, but do we really need buildings the size of museums, over-inflated salaries & budgets, and a shameful amount of discretionary waste? If we’d accept more modest conditions, it may not be such a strain to pay for them.

Have you been disconnected from the Jewish Community due to money? How have you suffered because of it?

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FYI: I haven’t actually bought a calendar since the ’90’s. There are so many available for nothing!

If you celebrate Sukkot, you know just how tricky it can be coming up with a menu. We’re supposed to be eating our meals in a Sukkah all week long. (Picture eating outside in a hut for the uninitiated.) I say “supposed to” because in reality, most members of the Jewish community don’t, me included.

When I was growing up, none of the families I knew ever built their own Sukkah. We had a communal one at the Temple. Once or twice, during the holiday week, it would be open to the Hebrew school kids and their parents. Other than that, I don’t recall doing anything special.

My Orthodox friends, on the other hand, are very into Sukkot! The majority of families build them, dine in them, and I’ve even heard of some who are so devout, they sleep in them! (That’s a bit much for me, but whatever works.)

So, for those who do want to dine a Sukkah, the question is: what should I make? There are no specific foods associated with this holiday, so the sky’s the limit. I suggest making food ahead, if at all possible. Also, select foods that taste good at room temperature. Dining in a Sukkah is akin to a picnic.

For Sukkot, I love to serve salads—green, chicken, egg, potato, pasta, etc. All of these dishes are easy to make, affordable, and appropriate for a crowd.

Another great item is a veggie/dip try. You can buy one already prepared, but it’s much cheaper to make yourself. If you enjoy traditional Jewish foods, the Sukkah is a great place for knishes, bagels & cream cheese (smoked salmon optional), and kugel.

There are certain individuals who like to serve soup. This has never made any sense to me, because the likelihood of the liquid actually being hot is almost zero. Skip the soup, by all means.

For dessert, a variety of sweets is great—honey cake, cinnamon rolls, or rugelach. (Homemade or bakery, your choice.)

If you hate cooking, fear not! The most interesting Sukkot party I ever attended featured nothing but Subway and Domino’s pizza and it was still awesome.